But I was wrong. I've ironically found joy everyday in learning a new thing that I was previously wrong about... the new "glasses" I am wearing have provided an undisputed view of the world through a lens that is not "rosy" as I had once believed, but one that is now crystal clear. Just as one is inaccessible to the mind they possessed as I child- I feel inaccessible to the mind I held only a month ago. My mannerisms have changed, my verbage, my views of others and of myself, the intentions I walk with, the words I speak with; all things that my old mind viewed as inaccessible and illogical, my new mind finds peace in the understanding.
Now that I believe, I have sought with humble intentions to ask what my purpose will be in this temporary home. Loaded words- even more loaded answers. I would have heard others discuss this in my "old mind," and become wholly aggravated. I have people who are incredibly close to me who have literally put the emergency brake on life, as they "wait for God to reveal His purpose to them." They remain stagnant, move home, work locally, in hopes that a manuscript will fall miraculously out of the sky. Both my old mind and new mind holds issues with this. The Lord often reveals His purpose for His children, even "mini-purposes," in small ways. You have to be still and listen for them. It doesn't stop here, in my opinion, and many Christians take total pause in their goals and plans so that nothing comes between themselves and God's Will. I am of the school of thought, that every passion (positive passion) that burns through your core.... whether that may be teaching small children, politics, knowledge, missions, cooking, sewing, dancing, singing, organizing.... whatever it is you find joy in.... that is the first inclination of God's purpose. He is the originator of that joy, and it is through that mechanism that humans can both feel and understand...through that, He will lead you where you need to be. Pulling the emergency brake on your life, is counterintuitive. Stopping your life in it's tracks, is making a conscience choice to to ignore the mechanisms God has given you, to show you your intended path. (Small tangent, whoopsie.... )
There is a goal of this post, a purpose. I have been taking notes on random things, looking through old journals, desperately seeking the thoughts my "old mind" possessed... so I may describe what empirically, was so substantial, that I allowed that mind to die. There is so much to explain, so be patient with my journey... but I will do my best to encompass all the "high points," or get back to them, if this becomes too lengthy.
Kami's Old Brain Lie #1: "The Coincidence Factor"
Everyone, I don't care WHO you are... you hate coincidences. Theists, humanists, secularists, and everyone else, all, under the consistency of what they are defined as, have an explanation that squashes this mythical "coincidence" factor. Secularists often cast responsibility to science. (Read in an Australian Crocodile accent, please and thank you), "Crickey! What was that?? (fear seeps in...) Oh well, that must have been a chemical reaction between the carbon properties and the velocity of the half-life deteriorating at rapid speed!!! (internal sigh of relief, the coincidence is explained!)" I will be the first to admit that science is a very real part of our lives, and can explain a lot of what we experience in terms we can understand. However, there are limitations to this. Some scientists have attributed the pheromones releasing from our bodies for the reason we find others both attractive and pleasing. Let's say this is true, (which it probably is, and in that case... my pheromones must be stinky... booooo) how can you attribute why two sets of mutually exclusive hormones, from two random people, create a pleasing result? Is this not, what the scientists say to be a series of "complex chemical reactions?" I like the idea of predictability... so, the idea of every action having a reaction, is lovely. I know that if my foot gets caught in the sidewalk... I will trip. Ironically, I can actually empirically prove this fact, because it happens about 5 times a day. So these pheromones, are an action and a "complex string of chemical reactions" that follow? When was the first action? When did the first synapse occur (EVER?)? Why did it happen? How did it happen?
Let us simplify this pheromone concept in an incredibly original analogy that I take full credit for: the chicken and the egg. (I told you, mind shattering, new, wowza). You, as a secularist, cannot gloat of the physical splendor of the chicken, if you do not understand that it was once an egg. You also cannot reconcile that from the reciprocating view. You, as a secularist, cannot gloat of the physical splendor of the egg, if you do not contribute it's existence from that of a full grown fertile chicken, as no egg exists, without a chicken to lay it. There is only one way to LOGISTICALLY AND SCIENTIFICALLY explain this discrepancy- you must step outside of the equation. WHAT created the first chicken, or the first egg; as we have made clear that they cannot create themselves... no matter how convoluted a situation you create to make that scientifically possible. After you ponder this...I believe that you will come to the same conclusion that political philosopher Saint Acquinas came to; there indeed, without any question, with any life form, had to be a FIRST ACTION. Note to the evolutionists: even under your school of thought, there has to be a beginning. Something- in any concrete or abstract form you want to take it.... can never come from NOTHING.
What is the first action? And how did that first action insure that you are exactly who you are... in the place you are reading this? Science could not be deemed "science," unless the first action occured... and the chicken-or the egg!- came into fruition.
Kami's Old Brain Lie #2: "If God exists: and is all loving, all powerful- then why does he allow bad things to happen to good people?'
If you have ever experienced a traumatic or incredibly painful experience in your lifetime, you seek to reconcile the question, "Why me?" Sometimes you are unsure who you are even directing that question to, if anyone, but you crave to solve this seemingly unconnected, scary, fearful occurrence, (reference Kami's Lie#1). You wish to make sense of it, compartmentalize the event (or whatever it is) in a special place in your brain that is capable of understanding it best. Sometimes, those who do believe in the Christian God, will encourage you to pray about it, etc. To a non-believer, that feels merely like a swift punch in the arm, and an overenergetic coach saying "Ah- brush it off Sport!" The Old Brain wanted something tangible that could solve these issues, because when you think about God in the same contexts of a negative thing, your brain formulates a series of hypotheses: (1) God is not all powerful, and therefore, did not have the power to prevent this, (2) God is all powerful, but He is not, in fact, all-loving. If He had the power to prevent this, then He must not care about me enough to have prevented it, (3) God is all powerful, and all loving... and He allowed this negative event to happen anyways.
Hypothesis 3 is certainly the most scary of them all. IS IT POSSIBLE THAT GOD LOVES YOU, COULD HAVE STOPPED WHATEVER YOU WERE GOING THROUGH.... AND CHOSE NOT TO? For me, this all goes back to the very beginning, a very good place to start (I hope some of you recognized the Sound of Music reference... no? ok.). When Eve committed the first Original Sin, and Adam to follow, the first two creatures God created fell from a state of immortal beings, to that of humans. So, utilizing the 3rd Hypothesis we listed above, if God had both the power and the love to rescue Eve from committing that ever-present act...why didn't He?
For one, and my Old Brain would most certainly have "scoffed" at this explanation; but, it was part of the "Masta" Plan. (Yeah, that one is in a ghetto voice. Get pumped up). Without the devastation and pain that action inflicted on Adam and Eve...we would certainly be unable to experience pain...and joy. (not to mention: the curse of painful childbirth, and wonderful other "reminders" of being a woman...) They felt shame...yes... but more importantly- THEY FELT. Action=Reaction. And furthermore, had God conducted the miracle within His power, that same miracle would most certainly be required again, and again, and again of Him. At some point, humans were to fall from grace, and constantly changing the course of humanly actions- would have fully revoked the gift that God granted to us...free will.. the ability to choose... and finally, the ability to feel. How would any of us been able to show God love, if we, in our insignificant human brains, knew not what that meant. Love. Action=Reaction.
As I have a series of really really really long papers to complete, I suppose I should cut off the lies my Old Brain told myself here, for tonight. I hope to be very intentional in researching the words and concepts that stood out to me, in hopes that others who either are skeptical of belief, or don't understand those who DO believe... may have a rough, case study account of the TRANSFORMATION in the heart of a young woman who moved from one to another.
In Revelations 7:14, it says "They washed their robes in the blood of the Lamb and made them white." For you secularists out there, "Lamb" is Christ. HIS blood washed their robes to WHITE. What blood have you EVER encountered in your life that turned to white, and did not STAIN. The Lord did not seek for you to be stained in that sacrifice, but alternatively, He sought for you to be washed clean. This is why my "New Brain" has no access to my "Old Brain." With my new knowledge, and commitment, my brain was not colored with further stains....but washed clean, erased, became new.
Pretttyyyy crraaa---zzzzzyyy, huh? Next time, I'll dive into the other ideas I once held, that have been empirically proven wrong. (For the record, I am not ALWAYS wrong...I was just wrong for roughly... say.... eight years of my life.) Stay tuned for the journey, and thanks to those who have ILLUSTRATED grace- those of you who talked the talk, and walked the walk...and for those of you who talk more than you walk- remember that someone, at all times, is watching you, and the proclamation of your words holds you to a higher standard of character. If someone who does not believe, sees your facebook status as a bible verse.... and then a short time later.... sees you throw up behind Mugshots- imagine their confusion towards what the Christian God ACTUALLY stands for.
Just a girl.... with a new heart... a new body... and most importantly- a new lease on life,
Kaitlin Ann.
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