For those of you who have known me for the past 6 years, you would probably be most accurate in describing my personality as strong willed, stubborn, adamant in my right of ways. You would be right! I declared myself an atheist my freshman year of college. I was bold, undeterred by others, walking down my path as I saw fit. I was the author of my own life, and frankly, I liked it that way. When things went wrong- it was my fault... when things went right- it was my joy to cradle. I was often THAT GIRL at late night talks that asked the Christians around me, "Why do you believe in God?" I think, both back then, and now... that someone who truly believes... someone who feels that steady calm of their beating heart...could answer empirically and definitively without a seconds hesitation. When I would ask this, many would respond, "Well, er, I just do. " or "My parents taught me that this was the correct path, and I trust them," or worse.... deafening silence.
All of these reactions to my brazen and confrontational questions further confirmed to me, that I had all the answers. Look at these people, Lord! They say they are your sheep, that you are the author in their lives...but they cannot defend you when asked!! What other points do I need proof to confirm the hypothesis I have drafted for my lack of a higher being? None, as far as I was concerned.
I became warm and comfortable inside my shell, surrounded by my "friends," and watched the hypocrisy of Mississippi Christendom with a sarcastic laugh. Sometimes even an internal awareness of pride. Even if I didn't know what I believed- at least I wasn't telling people that I knew the Truth...and walked upon a path that was paved by someone else entirely. I was consistent, and I was thankful that at the end of the day... the woman that stared back at me in the mirror was a woman of grace and integrity. She was someone who innately approached every cherished friend with selfless intentions, and held the hearts of others above her own. She was steadfast in her direction, right or wrong, and she was smart enough to deliberate and communicate her position. That woman, despite all of those virtuous qualities... regardless of the joy encompassing her every pore... for every moment of that existence.... had broken eyes.
These broken eyes stuck out to me like bright red waving flags about six months ago. I had pulled an all nighter for grad school (ironically, this is a usual occurrence and not the unusual part...) and had taken a break to splash some water on my face for a refreshing waker-upper. After the initial cold smacked my face like a ton of bricks, as my eyes met their reflection in the mirror, I realized that I was crying. The weird part, was that I HAD NO IDEA WHY.
A series of other confrontational situations presented themselves, much like the above, happened throughout the course of the last half year.... but escalated at full force in the last month. Sometimes, if I run at night...I take a pace that is much faster than my norm, because I always am paranoid that someone is on my heals, so I look around, and push it for all it's worth. (Daddy, I know you are reading this and experiencing a slight cardiovascular tachycardia, but, if/when I run at night... I ALWAYS run with my 22 caliber shot gun in a sling around my neck... and my t-shirt that says "My Daddy is a Marine"... and the back, which i added myself in magic marker, "I dare you." So far, I've had a 100% successful safety rate with those time-tested techniques.) Back to feeling like someone is on my heals...
I started feeling that during the day, at work, when I slept; like no matter how fast and efficient I was, someone was always there, waiting for me to turn around and brazenly shout "What do YOU want with ME!?" And one day, that is exactly what I did.
After I asked the question, several things unfolded. God pursued me by using those in my life that I already trusted, or had a strong inclination to trust, and let them hold my hand- and answer my MANY questions. Why did bad things happen to good people? Why does religion and faith have such a disconnect? What are all the denominations and religions... and at the end of the day- does it matter which one you associate with? Do people feel a strong need for God? Is it truly the opiate of the masses? The list goes on... or would have, if a family member didn't ask me the question... How do you describe our origins? Where do humans derive from?
And like many of the "Christians" I had so confidently pointed my finger at, the only defense of my anti-faith, was.... deafening silence. I had no idea! What was my purpose? Did I have one? Is God on the side of the persecutor, or the persecuted? What were our incentives in listening to His voice? So many questions and not enough time or people to answer them for me- so I did what I always do.... bought about $300 of books, seminary commentaries, historical accounts, etc. (sidebar: Dear Obama, Thank you for pretending like our federal government had so much excess money to disperse to people like me... and so you know, it was spent in a store in which the Christian coalition profits. Ah. Sweet. Revenge.)
These books filled me with hope, grace, joy. They reminded me why, even in my anti-faith, I still chose the road of forgiveness, of selfless servant focused love, and humility. Things began to make sense. A friend of mine, that I believe has been placed intentionally upon my heart, is also in graduate school... we joke about how the massive amounts of information, coupled with lack of sleep, general delirium and confusion all create circumstances in which we "epically fail." So instead of graduating Kami Mueller, MA (Masters of Arts), that I would more appropriately be labeled as, Kami Mueller E.F. (Epic Failure). That's exactly what I am... and that's exactly what you are, whether you want to admit that or not. Every moment, second, before each breath I breathe- I fail. I fail to live up to the commandments that have been listed so kindly for me. I fail to rid sin from both my mind and my heart. I fail to be the selfless forgiver- when that is the very thing I am called to do: ESPECIALLY, when the person you are called to selflessly forgive...IS YOURSELF.
I am not writing this from the school of thought that I have all the answers, or that I am a chosen woman placed here to communicate her journey... although... I'm still trying to define what all of that is in my life. I am writing this as a plea of patience. As a olive branch of mercy from the "old me's" out there. Those who knew me and are freaking out, verbally, internally, or blatantly to my face. I understand, more than anyone, your dismay with me. In the first House episode of this season, House and his bunkmate seek to only pretend to take their medicine in a means to "give it to the man." Eventually, House gives in and starts taking the meds. His bunkmate looks at him and said "House, they broke you! What are you doing!!" And House replies, "They didn't break me, I am broken." (RUF Sermon synopsis!)
House uses the present sense. I AM broken. I can empathize wholeheartedly. I AM. I AM. I AM. But with every moment of pause, every second of upward reflection, a small piece finds it's matched edge in the 3984723984732 billion piece puzzle piece of my heart. I make no definitive dates. I make no outlandish promises. I do however, promise to keep reading, keep searching, and keep questioning.
And it is what it is- without asking honest questions..... we will never ever find the honest ANSWERS that we all innately crave.
The gal who is the proud new owner of a Lifeway Christian store rewards card, and the newest inductee to the Christian Coalition political heavyweight team,
Kaitlin Ann Mueller
Sometimes its nice not to have a choice in the matter. The only problem is things just keep getting louder. Not such a bad thing in the end.
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ReplyDeleteRon Ash, “We are where we need to be and learning what we need to learn. Stay the course because the things we experience today will lead us to where He needs us to be tomorrow.”
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