The last few days, as I previously mentioned, have been filled with a plethora of "goodbyes" and "see ya laters." Goodbyes are never fun, and as an avid crier (thanks mom.), they have the tendency of exhausting me emotionally, physically, and otherwise. Aside from the exhaustion, goodbyes also produce isolation. My three best friends are in Uganda, Durban, and Mobile this summer. They are the men who ask me the tough questions about life and about God that force a rawness of answers that I am often not always prepared to provide. So when those who challenge you, leave you- even if for a short while...the body, heart, and brain go through a natural reverberation phase. This is my current season. I am "reverberating." This can mean a lot of things for a lot of different people, and for that reason, it deserves my detailed explanation.
Abandonment is a large fear of mine. It's a fear that most women have, whether they admit it or not. It's a fear that, per my recent reading material, is natural, and in direct correlation to Eve's Original Sin in the garden of Eden, and the broken covenant with God. Women fear abandonment, and to fill this fear...they search. Some women search by reading and searching for answers to unknown questions; others search by filling themselves with drugs, alcohol, lust; and some even search by throwing themselves so deeply into something that they can no longer be defined by what they most intimately fear...but by what they do. My personal coping mechanism for dealing with fear: is knowledge. Sounds fairly tame, eh? In many ways, it is. I will admit in my darkest venerability... that this knowledge and search for wisdom...is often substituted for a mask that hides all the fear of being alone that I most definitely battle. So no, I am not dancing on tables for attention from strangers to appease my fear of abandonment- but because I am hiding in a way that is almost invisible, and I am rarely called out for exactly what I am doing.
A close friend recently told me that my search for answers was a beautiful and healthy thing- however, he worries about me, because not all answers are "knowable." Hum. What a pill to swallow! He is completely right. And with that, I discovered this mask, and called it out for exactly what it was. Anne Morrow Lindberg, in her incredible book, Gift From The Sea, states, "The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered is being insincere. That is why so much of social life is exhausting; one is wearing a mask. I have shed my mask." My mask... is filling in blanks...finding answers...being a sojourner of the truth.
Let me tell you a little about a woman, that I have referred to as "Mom" for 23 years. She'll be mortified that I am bragging about her on the vast unknown of the Internet, however, she is a woman worth bragging about. My mom has the same fear I have. I know this not because she has told me in so many words, but more by what she does not tell me. My mother, is a woman of actions...not of words, so for this reason, her fear of abandonment is as hidden as mine is. Let me explain...
In her twenties, my mom caused chronic whiplash on America's male youth. No exaggeration. My mom's physical figure is not that of a Kate Moss; she was blessed with curves, and hips, and breasts, and a smile that would make any man go weak in the knees. I think there may have been a time, way back when, when she was partially aware of these gifts. I concede, that I am doubtful that she was aware of them in their entirety, as her nature is that of total humility and grace. If you forced the woman to look in a mirror and say "you are beautiful..." she would either (1) start crying from embarrassment, or (2) roll her eyes and think that whoever was forcing her to say these ridiculous words was "full of it." But that is exactly what she is, was, and ever will be... pure beauty. But as life has taken hold of her heart....her fear of abandonment has been given the permission to take the reigns, and society has told her to be embarrassed of her beauty, apologize for it, even. So she has...
Some of you are probably wondering about my parents marriage. HA! Fear not, brothers and sisters...last Christmas, I walked in on them making out- Harry's hand planted firmly on the buttocks of my mother. Lord have mercy, they can't keep their hands off one another. (It's a love/hate relationship I have with this fact. Im thankful that they are still in love... however, the booty-grabbing...and the newfound knowledge that my dad is clearly a "butt guy," could have happily remained in the part of my brain that I sometimes refer to as, "Ignorance.".) Nonetheless, what is learned cannot be un-learned. Count it all joy.
So yes, my mother's fear of abandonment does not come from an unstable marriage. My parents made a lifetime commitment to one another, and are thankfully one out of every two couples in the United States that knew the weight of that commitment before they sailed off into marital bliss. So where does my mother's fear stem from? My fear? The Prince of Darkness, himself. And let me tell you why...
As you are probably still trying to sort out the meaning of my title, let me share with you one of the most innately beautiful qualities that my mom possesses: She serves people. Simple. Radical. Pure. SHE SERVES PEOPLE. Anyone who knows or has met my mom can attest to this. It is literally, impossible, IMPOSSIBLE I TELL YOU, for the woman to be selfish. It's borderline humorous. We always joke that had my mom not married my dad, that she most certainly would have adopted 456 children of all ethnicities. She is a selfless giver. In the moment that you meet her, her heart immediately forgets about the "to dos" that are important in her own life...and switches to a new list of what she can "to do" to make your life better. I can't even explain to you this call due to it's natural and graceful presence. She has little time to even think or contemplate about it...she serves people before she is even capable of making a choice: selfless or otherwise. This gift- this innate hunger to serve and nurture people, has been the revelation of Eve. This was Eve's curse...to want to give, to nurture, to care for others, and to be protected by a man who would fight for her. (Feminists, you may now vomit...but also know that I am right.)
So here we are- women in today's society... dealing with a few issues. (1) A hunger to serve, (2) Confusion in the direction of our service, (3) Fewer and fewer white horses crowned with brave warriors of the heart, and (4) the fear of not being able to give our selfless servant love: abandonment: and how we are to deal with this unrequited servant love.
Number (1) is our curse. We were made to give love to others! That is who we are, at the core of our hearts. It is also a beautiful revelation of the Creator who made us: He is the same! Number (2) is a maturity thing. I cannot provide any other advice than you just figure it out as you go. When it feels wrong, it probably is...and when it feels right, the same goes. Number (3) is opening a whole bucket of worms. Deep breath. It's true. Most men know that a woman wants to be rescued, swept off her feet, fought for, EARNED...yet, as soon as they get the inclination that they are called to assume their knightly position...they withdrawal. With time, they will ride to rescue you, if they are a man of good character. (It took my dad until age 50 to do this for my mom. haha! But what a knight he was! And he fights for the woman he loves and adores everyday, because he knows that is what she craves from him. Hey Daddy, I love you too, thanks for being my knight!) So, sweet ladies, be patient as the men sharpen their swords, and re-secure their armor. They are preparing for you, but they desire to take the steps necessary to ensure their success. (This was Adam's curse: Fear of Failure.) Now Number (4)... is the punch line of this whole rambling symphony of thoughts. What does one do with unrequited servent-focused love?
Today has taught me that there is no such thing. God is love. The lives we lead are a reflection of the God we serve. We are called to sit at the feet of our friends and loved ones, because Jesus sat at the feet of his disciples. God is service.
This is an interesting concept for the college student. Are you a professing Christian? If you said "yes," I am so happy! Faith is half the battle.... believe me. But college students- how many of you become intoxicated often? Are there people who both know you believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, and watch you act like you believe in yourself more? What God do you REALLY serve? Do you serve YOURSELF because it is much easier to get drunk with your friends, than it is to say "I'm not going out tonight..." and fear a rebuking from them? Is your allegiance to your friends or to God? Listen, I love a cold Abita Strawberry when they are in season...but because I no longer worship myself... I make sure that those actions in the presence of both Abita, my friends, and strangers, are those that are a reflection of the God I serve. If you are both a Christian, and worshiping, say, the God-O-Brew (haha.. it's funny, right?), then you are not a Christian. Even worse, if you are a professing Christian, worshiping the God-O-Brew, because you are trying to cover your fear of abandonment...what do your actions show those who are NOT Christians... that Christ is NOT enough?
I have a sorority sister who would always ask me why I didn't believe in God, only when she got incredibly annihilated. I knew her intentions were good and that her heart was reaching out to me only out of caring and humility...but what she didn't understand... was that her words and WORKS in their cookie batter mixture.... was the very reason I could not believe. I refused to be a woman who professed allegiance in something, and then bloodied up my witness by saying I was one thing, while acting as another. I couldn't tell her why I didn't believe in God... because one of the many answers.... was the person asking me the questions. Are you this person? Are you so selfish to think that your actions, every day... effect only you? You, are so wrong. I was watching. Men and women who don't believe in God are watching. They are strong enough in their character to know one thing concretely: THAT IF BEING A CHRISTIAN DEFINES THEM IN A GROUP THAT SAYS ONE THING, YET DOES ANOTHER... THEN THEY WANT NONE OF IT. Do you blame them? Yeah, neither do I.
I am not pretending that drinking in itself is a sin, but if you are causing others to stumble, doubt Christ, turn away from Christ, or WORSE, think that Christ is something different than what He is... then yes- you are sinning. Our lives are a reflection of the God we serve. Period. Finito.
So, dear friends, in closing... I ask that you love selflessly. Give all of yourself, your transparent heart, your fears, your abandonment- and use them as ammunition to sit at the feet in this nation of dirty feet .... and wash. This is our calling. This is our mission. I dare you to drop your God-O-Brew (who by the way... makes you feel reallllllyyyy sick the next day), and pick up God's grace and mercy... and walk the way you talk.
Serve.
Love.
Hunger.
The woman who just looked her fear of abandonment in the face, and stuck her tongue out at it,
Kami
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