The Sexy Conservative Woman...

My freshman year, I went out to the bar with a few of my girlfriends to have a good time. I spotted a strapping young lad from the other side of the bar, used my tried-and-true "two second gaze" rule, and let magic do the rest. (Dictionary break: The two second gaze is when a woman finds a man attractive, grabs eye contact, and proceeds to hold it for the count of "one-mississippi-two-mississippi." After the official count is complete, the young woman looks away, and pretends such a moment never occurred. When the man approaches her, she acts seemingly surprised that he came to speak with her, as she "never noticed him." Works like a charm....) When the young man approached me, (see!), I was captivated by his knowledge of religion, history, and politics. I was honest in my account of who I was and what I believed, and although his views drastically differed, I respected the fact that he was well informed, and matched my intellectual capabilities (basically, the level some call "genius."). As the bartenders yelled for last call, I finished off the rest of my Coors Light (the only NONunionized domestic beer company left....don't act like you were surprised that I think about that stuff), put my hand out to shake his hand (firmly), and said, "This was fun, it was really nice to meet you."

I expected some kind of cookie cutter response, with some sort of flattery about how awesome I was, and how he'd like to see me again, etc. Instead, he said, "It's too bad you're so conservative...I had you pegged all wrong. I was just... well... you seemed so FREE when you walked in here. I guess I was wrong. Anyways, I have to go."

WHAT!?!?!?! This was precisely when the "Ann Coulter-mechanism" flew into my body and proceeded to take over all cognitive reasoning skills. I tossed my empty Coors Light into the trash can about 5 yards away, grabbed my purse, put on some lipstick... and stomped after him. I found him outside on the balcony with a group of his friends. So I walked up, tapped him twice on the shoulder, and put my hands on my hips to indicate that I meant business. He turned around, a bit off-guard, and said, "You need something?" (Ah. Boys never fail to give me the right "in" for my soapbox. Of course I need something YOU FOOL!)

So I took a deep breath and proceeded to say, "Yes, actually I do. I find a serious issue with the fact that you correlate being "free" with modern liberalism. Just because I prefer to wear bras, dress like a girl, and work for my education... does NOT mean I am dependent or tied down in any way. You think because I am a conservative woman that a label like that MUST mean that I am in some way unsexy, ignorant, or fit into whatever mold your Oedipus complex has cast for you. Well you're wrong. I am sexy because I work for a living in order for my taxes to support good-for-nothing bump-on-a-logs, like you. I am free because I know who I am, and who I am is a woman woven of intricate complexities, goals, and dreams, things you could never begin to even define for yourself. So the next time you come to MY bar, using whatever tricks you have acquired over the years, why don't you remember that conservative women are a force to be reckoned with. And please, for your own sake, keep in mind that the reason I am so free... is because I refuse to settle on Proactiv-using, gym-membership-failures... like you." A nod of my head, spin of my feet, I was off.

I can look back and laugh. I was so fearless! I imagine some of that credit belongs to Coors Light for their infinite supply of liquid courage during my college years....nonetheless.... aside from sufficiently pissing me off, it made me think. When someone uses the term "Conservative woman," I have found that several unfair assumptions are made. Let me explain in full detail, the misconstrued picture of a conservative woman...

(1) I wear pantyhose under everything, in fear that a man might see a horrid square inch of bare leg. (girlish scream).

(2) My goal in life is to marry at 18, have 34987896453 babies.... and nurture them with overwhelming patience and love.

(3) I am ignorant.

(4) I often speak only in bible verses.

(5) I do not drink, have fun of any kind, and would prefer to stay at home to perfect my broccoli casserole than interact with other humans.

(6) I am an introvert, and make it a rule to keep my mouth shut unless questioned directly. And in the cases of the latter, I reply only with vague, ambiguous phrases, like "well, I reckon so." (picture my bashful smile here), or "I'm inclined to agree with you, fair sir." (as I look shyly down at my twittering fingers).

(7) I am the poster-child of domesticity. (see me awkwardly modeling the burping process with plastic infant).

(8) I wear only dresses, as only ladies do. Pants are sinful!

(9) I would NEVER curse. Ladies use words of grace at all times.

and (10) That I am somehow constrained by something. Tied down. Inhibited.

In the words of the epic movie character, from one of my favorite movies, Father of the Bride, it is here I quote Frank Eggelhoffer... "WELCOME TO THE 90's MR. BANKS!" Women have brains, granted, not all women use them.... (see Nancy Pelosi for a good example of this), but they have them! It is NOT the 1800's, we do not wear pantyhose because, real talk, that's lame. Although all women (and men...don't lie to yourselves...), desire to meet someone they are capable of loving... we are NOT all ready to run down the aisle as fast as Florence Griffith-Joyner. So chill out. We are not all Betty Crocker. I make a mean cereal, and I'm not going to apologize for it. Women curse. I know, I know... it's "un-lady-like," etc...-but there are certain things that a four letter word is capable of solving, that renders the rest of the English dictionary useless. Last but not least, conservative women are free. (Not the "free" definition of bra-less, peace sign sporting, walk-on-hot-coals-dancing kind of free.) But we are not tied down, we are not bound by Robert's rules of Order, and we are more than capable of drinking you under the table. And for all those reasons, we are both conservative AND sexy- and I pity the fool that met me at Mugshots my freshman year, and got a well-deserved life lesson for thinking differently.

The poster-child for sexy conservatism, fighting off disparaging ignoramuses with knife-like wit, and a purse full of red lipstick,

Kami