Unfortunate Discoveries and the Beauty of Horse Sense

I remember one very unfortunate day from when I was a little girl.  I was probably getting home from school— likely wearing my worn in cowboy boots, hair a mess, velour overalls with a hole on the right knee, and was wandering around our 600-acre farm.  (I know it sounds like my parents are negligent….but my dad had… still has… a gps tracker on my whereabouts at all times… seriously, the man is a marine, he can SMELL me from 800 miles away.) 

Back to the farm… and me wandering in a ridiculous outfit…

I had wandered towards the back vacant barns that used to be the home of thousands upon thousands of cows, empty silos, and fields as far as you could see.  (I was short— so admittedly, that may be a dramatic statement.)  Something in the sky-high corn stalks was beckoning me in, whispering my name to come explore— something that seemed both dangerous and beautiful at the same time.  So I threw a bridle on my horse, hopped on bareback, and galloped into the alluring field.  Something in my heart knew there was something lost out there, and that I was the girl chosen to find it.  I galloped faster.  The wind was ripping through my lopsided ponytails— legs too small to grip the body of my way too strong stallion.  Magnum went faster still, seemingly aware of the urgency in our appointed mission…faithful in seeing to it that I completed my special task. 

Have you ever heard of horse sense?  People around horses know how incredibly aware horses are to all that is around them.  They have a protective instinct of both themselves and their caregivers— they are self sacrificing of their bodies to protect others.  I promise this to be true… for I have seen the reality with my own eyes and felt the instant alterations with my own heart.  Today I learned that the Lord has given me this same horse sense.  That I know the exact moment I meet someone that they are untrustworthy, that they would throw someone under the bus to achieve the “goal” they have set their mind on, that I can sense in the most physical way— that someone will hurt me. 

I won’t be finishing the story of what Magnum and I discovered in that field.  I’m not sure it really matters anymore.  It seems that the parallel moment I have found myself in today echoes with a deeper importance than any of my discoveries as a young girl.  There is a fear in the acknowledgement that not much has changed in the world—and that so much has changed within me. 

Unfortunate discoveries are life altering.  Yes, there are usually tears…but it is the memory that shakes something from within—that sick feeling of having “been there” before and wishing for a grandiose and genius escape plan.  I galloped my way into this current cornfield.  It was unmistakably alluring in the deepest and thickest parts of its harvest.  It was vibrant and thrilling and made flippant promises with loose lips.  More than any of those qualities…I knew that it was unequivocally the Lord’s plan.  I know, though admittedly some parts make me horribly angry, that this is God’s plan for me.  I know that He has brought me here to be striped naked and bare, for Him to point out all that is in my wretched heart that is unworthy of His gracious love, to be cast out like trash, to be also treasured, to find beautiful trinkets on unplanned explorations, to see tragedy, to be lied to, to be loved, to mend brokenness when I am able, to pour out sacrificially with love into others—receiving none in return, to be both seen and to be invisible, to be betrayed and to be held in the highest esteem, to sin and to be holy, to find my home—and know how homeless I am in the context of Heaven.

Suffering and pain are the greatest of earthly equalizers.  Unlikely partnerships and voyages are made with people you would never have imagined—and a plan unfolds that seems almost too hysterical to really be true.  Usually when someone I love experiences pain…I feel anger.  I am angry at God just as David reacts when Uzzah was struck dead…for having good intentions, yet breaking the law of God.  I am angry tonight.  I concede how un-Christlike anger is—but if I am to be authentic and honest with myself and the community around me—I AM angry.  J.J. Heller sings a song entitled “Your Hands”… with lyrics that say: “I have unanswered prayers, I have trouble I wish wasn’t there— I have prayed a thousand ways, for You to take my pain away.” 

Tonight I will pray one-thousand-and-one ways. 

Tomorrow I will pray one-thousand-and-two. 

If this seems like a foolish plan—shoot me a message and let me tell you about a man who paid for me a cost far higher than I am worth… on a cross that dripped blood that cleansed instead of stained…and made it ok for my heart to be angry with His Father for as long as I very well need. 

This man will make this anger of mine turn to love—against all odds, and against all logic.  For nothing—NOTHING—is impossible with Him. 

Just a young woman contending for a heart like Christ’s…living in a world that wants her to be a pushover, a woman that betrays, and a woman that breaks— but instead I fight to be a woman who will vie for the contentment and fulfillment of others…even if that means suffering of my own.    

Kami