I imagine it happened once. Maybe a few times or maybe many. I certainly have no way of knowing how or when, though, something in my heart is able to map a vague outline. I see her with too big eyes that tell too much, blonde unruly hair, laughter and songs all her own. She dreamed big dreams. She had an imagination of stories about this world and others. She was light. So long ago… she almost seems like a figment of my imagination…a fleeting fairytale, only without the happy ending.
Looking back, I have to admit the details to be a bit hazy. Yes, my eyes are still too big and despite all my wishes- still reveal too much. My hair, still blonde… though… I have tried every trick in the book to tame it. I laugh on occasion, but not without stifling giggles of pure joy back down into the hidden core of my being, worried what people might think of my special joys. I sing… but only when no one can hear me. That’s not the worst of it. I don’t dream anymore. I don’t dream… because I am afraid more than anything…that they wont come true.
I did very little fairytale watching growing up. I remember watching the news and liking the idea that what I was watching… was REAL. No fluff, no glitter, no flying. I never watched the news and felt my heart leap out of my chest with happiness nor desire, and I think I enjoyed that steady expectation. There are some out there who would agree with me.
In seven days I turn 24. I’m in a city without close friends, without family, without familiarity… and I would certainly be lying if I didn’t admit that all of those things are daily trials that rip at my heart. In a short time, so much has been revealed to me- large and small ideas about this world and the power of God’s beauty in and around me. Nothing like the revelation He delivered tonight.
I’ve forgotten how to dream.
Not just the silly dreams. The real ones. The important ones. Maybe I stopped dreaming way back when, because it was easier to stay grounded than to hope that something hardly tangible would come true. Or maybe, because so many dreams simply shattered in my wake. I suppose the “why” doesn’t matter. One day, I may need to sort that out- but for tonight- my heart can’t run away from the “what.”
I’d like to think that some of my light is back. For almost a year I have experienced joy in the knowledge of a God so big…. well, TOO big for my own imagination! My brain doesn’t have the capacity to know or understand Him, as I’d wish. Knowing of God’s existence has a beauty of it’s very own- but His promises are something that you have to have the courage to imagine coming true. Tonight I realized I have been, at best, a coward about my God.
Though I still remain firm in the fact that I am nobody’s princess, that “prince charming” in all his perfection and glory doesn’t ACTUALLY exist, and not everyone experiences their “happy ending”…. Something has certainly stirred a big of light up in my heart. For some reason, I want to take chances. I want to take chances without considering the probability of the outcome turning, as I’d wish it would. I want to be hopeful… in God and in people in a way I’ve always been horrified by. I want to be powerless and reckless. I want to give to others and love in a way that defies all logic and protection. But more than any of those things--- I want to dream for things…and finally expect my irrational dreams to come true.
My favorite Broadway musical sings, “Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. Too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes: and leap! …. I'm through accepting limits, cause someone says they're so. Some things I cannot change, but till I try, I'll never know! Too long I've been afraid of, losing love I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love --- It comes at much too high a cost! I'd sooner buy, defying gravity. Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity…. And you can't pull me down.”
I suppose I feel a little like flying. And I’m starting to believe that my feet just might leave the ground,
Kami
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