God is a spitball champ.

So, I'll assume you're confused.  Why in the world would the King of all Kings know how/ be good at throwing spitballs??!!??  Yep.  He is.  And. Let. Me. Tell. You. Why.

The truth is, as horrible of an analogy as I know this is, it's literally the only one that outlines how I have felt for the past week.  God took my entire life plan.  He took it in his massively strong hands.  He ripped the pages, one by one, in teeny-tiny strips.  He then, put all those strips in His mouth, and allowed them to soak in the back awkward corners like a cow's cud.  After they were juicy enough.... He yelled my name....and... SPLAT.  SPLAT meaning: Sincerely Please Look At [the] Truth.  [So it doesn't work exactly... sue me!  It's late people!]

Truth is something I have a love/hate relationship with.  I cherish honesty.  I cherish feeding others the blatant hard truth- and make it a point to search for those words at any and all times.  That's my calling.  The problem is: I often have a more difficult time giving myself that kind of truth.  I'll make excuses, as needed.  I'll push the Holy Spirit to the back of my head... and per my usual... I keep on truckin'!  This time, God didn't give me that choice.  I couldn't be more thankful... as my depraved nature lends my head and heart to make choices that are often wrong, and off the beaten path.  Sometimes I desire that slap in the face.... and I'm thankful for  Father who knows just how to give those.  Hence the spitball analogy.

My whole life, it's been the plan to go to law school.  I was supposed to be the suit wearing, case writing, sassy arguing Elle Woods [minus the excessive pink and horrific ratdog.].  That was the path, and I was doing all I could in my feeble humanly power to push to that "goal."  Certainly there were other factors that didn't help.  I had people feed that monster.  People keep telling me how I would be a great advocate for others.  People told me that I had a linear brain that could map out all of the corners of each case, and they told me that I was smart enough to find the angle necessary to win.  People built me up, which in turn built upon this off centered ball of yarn... that when let loose... kept unraveling and unraveling and unraveling and unraveling.  This past week, I realized that I had been clinging tightly to the last foot of this yarn ball for dear life.  For one reason and one reason only:  I had no Plan B.

WHHHAAATTTTT!?!?!  I have NEVER been that girl.  Not even when I was face to face in brokenness and awfulness.  I was never the girl that did something, for no better reason, than because I didn't know what the alternative was.  And furthermore- found fear in the scary vast pit of the black infinite unknown.  What a girlie cop out?!  What horrible logic?!?  What in the world was I thinking?  I think NOW.... now I know that I simply wasn't.  I was making excuses in the name of "comfort" and "stability."  I was sacrificing those parts of me that are weird and unique and silly and beautiful... because God made them so.  I was selling my soul to the American status quo--- from fear and fear alone.

Fear is such a terrible monster.  Remember when you were little and you would snuggle up with the covers over your head when you heard a "noise" from your closet door?  That is where all of this begins.  From a young age we are programmed to hide under our covers.  Women, especially, are called to rely on others to be BRAVER than them, to check the closet for them before they relaxed their little eyes to sleep.  These small steps accumulate into the bigger issue... the issue of letting the fear of fear rule everything.  Well.  A week ago... I decided that fear deserved so much more than my timidity and nerves.... I decided that fear deserved a nice swift kick... right in the balls.  [If my mom or dad read this, I'm 100% certain that they will successfully ground me from 4 states away.  But madre y padre- I SWEAR THAT FEAR DESERVED ITTTT.  I hope you can read that in my adorable five-year-old whiney girl voice.... and find my proverbial use of the word "balls" forgivable.  :)]

So, now that fear was kicked in the balls... I have a new challenge ahead of me.  My first step was to outline the things I still "knew."  These were the things that I consistently felt called to accomplish, and even with God's drool trickling down my left cheek...still proved to be faithful.  I knew I was supposed to be in North Carolina.  I have five main reasons for this call; Hayden, Logan, Griffin, Rett, and Sydney.  My nephews and niece have been such a source of joy and I want to be close enough to them to invest in their lives.... TO REALLY INVEST... not just the twice a year kind of time.  I want to go to soccer games, help at girl scout meetings, I want to watch them when their parents need "alone time."  I want them to know that they can always call me or come to me... and that I am a safe place for them to turn.  To accomplish this- I need to be logistically closer.  So that, at least, narrowed down the state.  Instinctually, I further narrowed down the location by picking Charlotte and Raleigh/Durham in terms of most opportunity for my degrees and interests.

Are you still with me?  Are you bored?  Are you still contemplating how a strange blond girl kicks fear right in the balls?  It's fine... just go with it.

So, step three.  I made a list.  I made a list of natural gifts, of things that I love, of things that I enjoy being apart of.  Step four, has been; applying to jobs like a crazy woman in every field and industry that would satisfy the list I made.  I know it wont be satisfied in it's entirety... but it will be satisfied in the way that God has in store for me.  And the rest- I can do for fun, or for my church community.

I'm still working step four, as much as I can being three states away.  I've been so thankful for the unconditional love and support of my parents and friends.  It would be easy to assume that I've lost my marbles [I could make a valid argument for this case, as well.]....though... in so many ways... it feels like all of the proverbial "marbles" of my life have been lost... until now.  I feel like I finally have everything just as it was meant to be.  I have literally constructed what might be the worst logistical plan that I have ever put together in my entire life: a moving date.  December 10th.  I have no idea where I'll be living, what I'll be doing, what kinds of friends I'll find when I pull into my new home.  I have nothing.  Though, in my honest heart of hearts- I have the sweetest peace.  God is humbling me in big ways.  The spit still feels just as wet as when the spitball initially struck... but it's for good reason.  God is showing me reliance.  He is, in all honesty, answering prayers.  When I became a Christian less than a year ago, I have consistently asked the Lord to give me MORE faith... because it wasn't something that was natural for me.  I can't even count how many times I've prayed that prayer.  Maybe millions.  And here's the answer.... in saliva.  Spit from God, lovingly dripping down my cheeks.....

I guess, logistically, I leave Mississippi in 25 days.  I leave a place that has taught me SO much about who I am, and who I am not.  It has shown me the character of God in the faces of people.  Through Paul- God showed me His mighty strength through faith.  Through Kory- God showed me obedience.  Through my Tri Delta sisters- so many to individually name...you have shown me selfless love.  Taylor, my little, you have shown me how important it is to give those you care for "tough love," when they need it most.  Lindsay Tay- you showed me grace, and continue to. Dr. Mayfield- aside from lighting up my whole world with absolutely ridiculous phrases... you have taught me the sheer beauty in watching a man cry out to his God...you have shown me the power of redeeming love and grace.  You have shown me, through your example with Miss Sandy, how a Christian man loves a Christian woman.   Courtney Nicosia- you showed me persistent joy and how to giggle at the really lame things life sometimes brings.  Lauren Salena- you taught me the strength in loving those who can't love themselves.  Alex Donk- you showed me childlike faith.... you exhibit love and thankfulness for each of your blessings... and it has warmed my soul... and my couch.  bahahahaha.  Shawn- you have taught me the weight of "seasons."  That, as believers, we have to sometimes trust each other enough to give the other space.  Katie Anthony- you are the most internally [externally too.. but internally is WAY more important] beautiful strong young women I have ever known.  Thank you for wearing your gold jacket with that sassy Delta Gamma class. [I'm "saluting" you NOW.]  Mary Margaret- thank you for being strong enough to show me the beauty in forgiveness.  Kendall- my best friend.  I miss you terribly.  Thank you for making it ok to let my freak flag fly.  I have full confidence you'll be in my life forever and ever.  Sarah Ali-  you have taught me heartfelt dedication towards a goal.. and how little circumstances actually play a role in our lives... if we refuse to let them.  Megan Wilkyface-  The ultimate delta sis.  [I bet you gagged right there?] Thank you for always being a selfless servant in each and every way you are able to.  In the bonds.   And to my amazing Southern Miss- you have shown the glory of learning and wisdom.  You have always taught me that those things don't always come in books.  :)  Sometimes they come in the form of all night-ers with Jessica Dominguez, they come in crying in the foot of your shower, and there are even times wisdom comes from tossing back one too many cold ones.  I have surely left a million people out, and imagine that I will add 3984729347 additions to this.... but this, in the very least, scratches the surface.

Thanks for your investment in my life.  Thank you for teaching me the importance of a good hair poof, the GLORY of crawfish season, the soul of the South, and that each thing you spend time and energy on... has a lesson for you to learn from.

Just a girl, just a sojourner, just a face filled with God's spit, and a foot that showed the balls of fear what's up....

Kami