Knowers of Darkness vs. Blinded with Pride

I think there are a couple different kinds of Christians.  We’ll refer to them, respectively, as “Knowers of Darkness” and “Blinded with Pride.”    The Knowers of Darkness have an uncanny awareness of their wretchedness.  They look in the mirror and see their filth.  They understand how unworthy they are of grace and the sacrifice of Christ.  They know, keenly, their own disgust and ugliness.  No one has to explain depravity to them- the tears on their pillow night after night- are proof of their dirtiness.  These people can see the good in their hearts of their friends, and covet those gifts.  The Knowers of Darkness are so attuned to their lack of worth that they are unaware of what their gifts might be, the true weight of grace, and are convinced that Christ is far too beautiful to touch them.  They believe and desire for the worth and beauty of friends and family to be touched by this Beauty- though even through talking and loving the Lord…still wrestle with seeing and knowing their own brokenness- while being haunted with the beauty touching all those around them.  They see an untouchable in the foggy shower mirror.  They see a frog who knows Christ’s love…and battles for it… but will never ever, under any circumstances, turn into the princess they desire to be.

The Blinded with Pride are of another ilk.  They have an IV that sucks in God’s grace every hour of the day.  They expect it, so they do not SEE it.  They see their physical grandeur in the mirror each day, and marvel at their blessings.  Blinded with Pride folks want, almost desperately, to be praised for their many gifts and talents.  They seek validation and acceptance in all that they do.  They sin, and shrug.  They know Christ’s love is big enough to cover their indiscretions.  They may fall in tears of repentance, but when the morning comes, they are quick to pull the grace card out of their pocket to swipe on the way out the door.  They expect and expect.  They may see themselves as worthy, while using the verbiage “I have assumed the righteousness of Christ in his death and resurrection,” not because they believe it, but because they need something to mask the stench of their own self-righteousness.  These people may be blinded into thinking that the world is good.  Or, that there are “good” people.  They are happy and joyful, but never rip their hearts open- because they would rather walk with blinders sucking in grace like a pacifier… then see themselves for the horrible creatures they really are.  That we ALL really are. 

I am a “Knower of Darkness.”  Even before I was a believer, I had an inclination to think this way.  To SEE myself this way.  It’s one of my biggest battles.  Accepting Christ, and “getting” His grace are not always simultaneous events.  I know He lives in me, because my heart and life are different.  I have a different purpose when I wake up every morning.  I am new.  But knowing “why” is a different ball game altogether.  I may be cloaked in grace, though I mentally cannot understand why. 

Please know, I am not advocating for either extreme here.  Both commit sins of their own in different ways and for different reasons.  Both are not what the gospel is about.  Both place an attention on self (good or bad) instead of full attention on Christ.  Both fail. Both lack moderation in evident and obvious capacities.  There is a middle ground, a balance, which I find so hard to strike.  There SHOULD be a rightful acknowledgment of your sinfulness- a true disgust for your horrible nature… but you should also know that His grace is ALWAYS enough.  For the Blinded with Pride, there SHOULD be a full awareness of the beautiful gift of the Lord’s grace… but it should never be flippantly understood or taken advantage of by the continuance of sins that CAN be stopped. 

Clearly, with my admission above, as a self-proclaimed Knower of Darkness- I don’t have any wisdom to cushion the truth here.  The thing I latch onto, and will fight for until my very last breath- is that God is all-sovereign.  He loves with a love I cannot even begin to fathom or understand.  I know that He is BIGGER than me.   I know when things seem out of control in my life- that there are lessons to be learned from my multiple failures.  I know when I push others away from my heart- and they keep coming back… that mercy- is so much more than a five letter “Christiany” word to throw around.  Mercy becomes something I can touch.  Mercy is real.  I do know, that although my thoughts can sometimes dig a hole too deep for me to get myself out of, I never ever want to forget how horrible my sins are.  I never want to stop feeling the painful empathy I have for the day Christ died on a cross, naked, with steal pushed through his bones…for every sin I have already committed- and every future sin I will commit.  I don’t want to lose sight of my inherent “scoffer” attitude as I flip the pages of my bible with cynicism and, on some days, dwindling faith.  I don’t want to stop praying for faith- for my soul to march on with courage!  I don’t want my eyes to ever veer from the man on that tree. 

For it is He who gave much, for nothing in return.  It is Christ who loved us, knowing He would be denied by us.  It is the Lord who spoke the world into life with a single word- and watches us make mini gods of all that it contains. 

I don’t have the answers.  I never will.  But pray that I will never stop my painful pursuit of questions- and that the knowledge of a God who has ALL the answers… will always make Himself known to my wretched and filthy heart.  A heart substituted for the heart of Christ- my key to the other world that knows no pain. 

Just a sojourner for the awareness of grace, a question maker, and the owner of an unbalanced lens that sees the darkness in her heart clearly and truthfully…

Kami