I’ve never really been a fan of the dark. There is something unusual about the weight of darkness. It’s a blanket of uncertainty…too much unknown, too much trust needed to navigate, and too little protection. For someone like me [I fell UP the stairs at work 4 days in a row last week…], the dark imposes further obstacles; sharp corners, closed doors that are usually open, Major dog’s squeaky toys, miscellaneous art supplies, and the occasional beer bottle haphazardly strewn about. It gets extra tricky for me when the lights go out. Presents are revealed in the morning in the form of bruises, cuts, and the ever-awkward… melted carton of ice cream in bed. [Just kidding… it’s actually soggy carrots…]
Darkness can manifest itself in a lot of ways. I’ve felt that same blanket of fear cover my thoughts this week… a never-ending stream of voices with dark ideas, dark personal flaws, and dark assumptions. All of which, tearing apart the God given light that shines inside of me…threatening to be the cause of the light’s very demise. The part of me that knows I don’t deserve God, wants very much to throw in the towel…to let the tiny beams of hope from the Lord dwindle into oblivion. Maybe that same part of me knows that giving up will always be easier. Maybe the “old me” was not willing to put forth this fight- and is wholly ashamed that the “new me,” the “me” the Lord has refined and pursued… questions if the fight is actually worth it. I am fearful that I will fail.
But…I will always fail. Would a world full of perfect success need a Savior who is mighty to save? Would a woman feel the presence of the Lord, as heavily as I do now, without the pain and exhaustion it took to bring me there?
I openly admit- the answer would be “No.” For that reason: I welcome this pain, I maintain the pain, I live and soak and breathe in this pain…because it is a reminder of the pain it took for Jesus Christ to save the world. Pain lets me feel the slow drips of that blood on the back of my neck- as I lay at the feet of the Lamb, a Lamb powerful enough to wash me clean. Pain keeps me there. Pain keeps me from running away.
Jesus paid it all for me. For that reason, I will fight. I will twist and writhe the devil inside. I will scream and kick until the mercies given for this day are empty again. I will stay faithful in the desert. I will trust that I am emptied, so that I may be filled once again. I will let the Lord inside the ugliness of my heart… and without anesthetics…feel Him rip the bad out… and glue back together the good. I will let him break through the blanket of darkness that covers my heart- and that covers this world.
-Kami
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